About a month later, He showed me the answer. I was reading a pamphlet about patience(1), which pointed to I Corinthians 13:4-8 and noted, "…being patient is the behavioral way to say, 'I love you'."
The proverbial light came on and popped the bulb.
I had always seen those verses as describing love, the noun. But love is also a verb. I re-read the passage, paying particular attention to verses 4 – 6:
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth (I Cor 13:4-6, NKJV).
So how do you love those you distrust?
- Be patient (long-suffering)
- Be kind
- Don't be envious, boastful, proud, rude, self-seeking/self-serving
- Don't be easily provoked (or in my case, easily angered and offended)
- Don't rejoice in injustice
- Rejoice in the truth
Agape is the love that Christians are to give to everyone. Jesus used it in His Sermon on the Mount, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:44, NIV).
You don't have to like someone to agape them. Unfortunately, I also came to believe that you didn't have to see them as valuable. At least, not as valuable as your friends and family. A pat on the head and a small smile and you could agape anyone.
However
Agape comes from the word agapeo, which means beloved. As in, "This is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased" (Matthew 3:17, NKJV), beloved. As in how people feel about their children or their favorite cousin, beloved. As in how a child treats their favorite toy, beloved. As in 'I would do anything for you', beloved.
What? God wants us to love our enemies like we love the people we would give our lives for? Is He crazy?!
**********
I noticed that nothing on the list was a feeling.
Sure, feelings may be at the root, but what are listed are all actions. Lord knows you don't have to feel patient to be patient (ask a parent or a teacher). Feelings of inadequacy are common reasons for envy, boastfulness, pride, self-centeredness, and rudeness. But a person with low self-esteem doesn’t have to be rude.
Love is not a feeling. It's a noun, it's a verb, it's One Nation Under a Groove (2). But it is not a feeling.
Thus, we are free to love as God loves; we don't have to feel loving. By the same token, we can't blame our feelings when we're not being loving. With freedom comes accountability.
And since beloveds are cherished and valuable, and we (Christians) are called to love as we would a beloved, those we agape become cherished and valuable. Even when we distrust them.
I know. It doesn't even sound easy. But that's the way to do it.
1. Ohlman, Dean. What Does the Bible Say About Patience? RBC Ministries, Discovery Series. 2004.
2. So wide you can't get around it/So low you can't get under it/So high you can't get over it
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