Friday, July 8, 2016

Loose Thoughts: Struggling in the Aftermath

What would Prince have said?

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First there was Pedro Erik Villanueva, a teenager shot to death by CHP officers in unmarked cars. It is unclear is whether the teenager knew they were law enforcement, whether they at any time announced themselves.

Then there was Alton Sterling, and confusion about why the sight of a gun in a waistband, inaccessible to the suspect, justifies drawing a weapon and pulling the trigger. Coming out of the numbness, I concluded the officer involved would use the Mehserle Defense (I meant to pull my Taser) should he be indicted or go to trial.

No time to breath because Philando Castile. My fear of being shot when obeying a directive came true in his death. He did everything right. They did everything right. And the officer was willing to put a child in danger by shooting into the car, willing to shoot someone who was obeying the law and respecting his authority simply because

Three, no four, no five Dallas law enforcement officers murdered in the midst of peaceful protest. Damn it, this is not helping! The heartbreak. One more giant step backwards.

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I understand if your Facebook posts and Twitter feed and what not are all puppies and kittens and rainbows and children and recipes and whatever seemingly benign things and have nothing do to with the tragedies of the past few days
the past few weeks
the year to date.
I get it.
Every time we begin to grieve, every time we start to move down the familiar paths of healing, we are slammed again. We can't breathe.

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Ugh. First I had to add locking my door to the list. Now I have to figure out how to use Facebook Live in the event I'm pulled over. <sigh>

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I see how you felt about the week.

How in the aftermath of Alton Sterling's murder, your posts were kvetching about politics.

How in the aftermath of Philando Castile's murder there was silence.

How in the wake of the Dallas law enforcement murders, you posted condolences and outrage at regular intervals. For Dallas and Dallas alone.

By this you have shown me that you believe not all deaths are equal, that some are more tragic, some people more worthy than others.

By this you have shown me you don't believe #AllLivesMatter. You have shown me you don't value me or my life.

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If Micah Xavier Johnson is a terrorist, then so is Dylan Roof. If Dylan Roof is not a terrorist, then neither is Micah Xavier Johnson. They are the same side of the same coin.

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This is where I am at the moment: The sadness and pain of seeing people I know who had previously been silent speak/post/meme solely about Dallas, ignoring the other tragedies as if they did not happen.

It's not a betrayal, really. Just a recognition, a remembrance of how unlovable and unworthy most of the world believes me to be because of my ethnicity.
I had forgotten. There are people I know
people I went to school with or worshipped with in church or worked alongside,
people I see regularly on Facebook or Twitter or in person,
people who know my name

who will hug me on sight

and yet see me as less than.

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I know what you're going to say - it goes both ways. There are some who talked and talked about Sterling and Castile, but said nothing about the Dallas law enforcement officers.

Not quite.

The history of unjustifiable murder by law enforcement is deep; the ramifications of which comprise the egg shell dance floor many of us still tiptoe upon, despite our freedom. This is the weight of history, a hay bale teetering ominously on a dromedary's back.

Sniper attacks on law enforcement? No hay bale, no dromedary in sight. There is not that kind of history; there is not that kind of pain. The two types of tragedies are not equal in this regard.

Where they ARE equal is their horribleness. None of these deaths are justified. None of them.


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